Clearing the Confusion
by Sekhmet Son
Summary: Finn figures out who it finally is he needs and wants, who he's needed all along. Furt


Clearing the Confusion

Author's Note: Takes place post-Season 3, so may divurge slightly from the finale, for which I have no issue. This idea is just too good and too fresh in my mind to pass up. Story is Finn's POV.

Pairing: Finn/Kurt

I have always been a little confused about my feelings for my brother Kurt. I used to loathe him for reasons I couldn't explain. Part of him got under my skin, and now I'm beginning to understand that the problem is mine. He makes me think about things I'd rather leave in the back of my mind, and feel things I don't want to feel. No one would admire a school celebrity in a small town like Lima if they knew they were gay. I'm not necessarily gay persay. That's just it, I've never been sure of what I am. I thought I liked girls, I mean, sure Rachel is pretty. I still feel pretty stupid though over Quinn being able to convince me that I could somehow have impregnated her with a baby via ejaculation in a hot tub. I am not the smartest when it comes to my own sexuality, just because I'm not sure it is my sexuality. Is straight really what I am? Life recently has made me reconsider.

It began with my jitters over marrying Rachel. Up until the day of the ceremony I had asked myself over and over if this was what I really wanted. Kurt had really made me think, not just because of what he said to me in that empty classroom that day, but because of the things I feel for him. I've always felt a draw to Kurt in spite of my past revulsion. A desire mingled with disgust is the best way to put it. Now it is not so easy for me to pin that disgust on Kurt, for it has always been disgust at myself. I was raised in a situation that required me to be the man of the house without my dad, so naturally I developed some pretty macho ideas of manhood. Kurt challenged my ideas. He challenged all at me, and once upon a time I hated that, but when I danced with him at our parents' wedding, he really is amazing- just the way he is. His features are so graceful and feminine, but with a manly fire to him underneath it all. Flowers and fire, all wrapped into one, and honestly, it can be hot. Sometimes I'd like to taste that mix, to press my lips to his, just to see if it would incite the fire in him, or the fem. Would he be a sensual lover, or a passionate one? He got me thinking about my engagement to Rachel, and then when Quinn got hit by that driver I knew it was all over. That only served to confirm my doubts. Rachel tried to blame me of course.

"Why can't you give me this Finn?" she has asked over and over.

To which I don't know how to respond. Rachel is real high mantinence, but she can also be insensitive to my feelings when it becomes all about her own. Kurt is just the opposite. He may be a prat at times, but rarely is it ever about him. He's always there for me, and don't get me started on prom. When I saw him in that black vest and top hat, it suited him so well and made him look so handsome I wanted to kiss him then and there. That doesn't make me gay right? I could still be bi. Then graduation came and went, and the after party at our house brought out some interesting things in both of us. We had both been drinking and our friends had long since left. Kurt was lying on my bed across from me, his head proped on his arm, just shooting the breeze pretty much.

"Feeling fine," he had said with a giggle that graced his reddened cheeks.

"I hear ya bro," I replied casually.

"You know, I have this fantasy," he confided in me.

"Yeah?" I asked with genuine curiosity, and I was really feeling attracted to him and aroused at the time.

"Yeah," he said in almost a whisper, as his eyes darkened with want. "I want to fuck a guy in a jock strap. Jocks really turn me on."

I had tried to swallow the lump in my throat and casaully laugh off the awkwardness, but I couldn't fool myself. I wanted so badly to kiss him that night. To say fuck Rachel and her insensitivity, and my backwater ideas of manhood. Kurt could give me what I need, what I long for, someone to love me and care about my needs as much as I do them. That brings me to the present moment where I am sitting at dinner with the family, chewing my green beans as all these thoughts bombard my mind. My gaze is also drawn occasionally to Kurt, who doesn't fail to notice. He keeps looking back and giving me that little subtle smile. Can he see the desire in my eyes, my want and need for him? He never says, but I can still see the want in his, as much as he tries to hide it. I swear that my mom and Burt almost don't exist right now. I have eyes and feelings only for Kurt. I know it has to be tonight or never. Forever starts tonight, or never continues to be my reality. The choice is mine, and I think I want to know.

"Well thanks for dinner mom," I say, rising from my chair and grabbing my plate.

I cast one last look at Kurt, trying to throw a hint of meaning into it I hope he will catch, and come to my room after his dinner. The ball is now in his court. He meets my glance with one of those nervous looks, which means he understands and isn't sure what to do. I put my dish in the sink and go upstairs to my room, falling onto my bed. My thoughts fall back into him. I wish I could see him wear his prom outfit again. Almost as though sensing my thoughts, he interupts my brain's processes with a gentle cough.

"So, I take it that look meant something Finn," he spoke, casting that knowing glance at me.

"Not in particular," I lie. "Just thought maybe you'd wanna hang."

He steps closer and sits down on the edge of the bed close to me. He is wearing a white dress shirt untucked from loose fitting khakis, and the look suits him, but then again just about everything does. My cargo shorts and polo shirt make me look like a overgrown bear, or so I feel.

"You look good," I tell him, almost not noticing I said it.

"Thank you," Kurt replies, taking the compliment. "You look the same."

He smiles at me, so I know he means it in a good way. His eyes don't leave mine, so I know he's picking up on my looks, and why this look is different now. He isn't freaked out and he isn't leaving, but it's obvious he's nervous. I begin to bridge the distance between us, and now's his chance to pull back, but he doesn't. I don't say anything, I don't need to. Our eyes meet directly as our breaths intertwine and then my lips press gently against his. He exhales and allows me to control the kiss, massaging his lips gently, and then parting my lips to grant him the access he takes. His tongue brushes mine and it tastes like mint, and sugar, and everything nice and wonderful. I pull back from him and look into his eyes trying to send my tenderness and love. I cup his cheeks gently with my hands as he returns my gaze.

"You're beautiful Kurt," I whisper and he begins to tremble. "No, don't be scared," I continue gently. "I'm sorry. Sorry for all the hurt, all the pain I've inflicted. I'm just confused, but I'm not afraid anymore."

"What are you saying Finn?" he asks gently.

I think about it and realize how little I need think about it. It's always been Kurt. Sure I care about Rachel, but I don't feel for women what I do men. I shut out that fact for so long because of my percieved ideas of manhood, but I don't want to run and hide anymore.

"I'm saying," I pause, and brace myself. "I'm gay."

It feels so scary to say it, but so freeing at the same time.

"Oh Finn," Kurt whispers softly. "It's true. I can see it. You are gay."

"Yes," I say. "And I love you Kurt. I'm in love with you."

His eyes tear up and he looks away. I grab his hand, hoping the gesture can take all the pain away.

"I'm sorry," I whisper.

"No," he laughs with a sob. "I'm crying because I've wanted for so long to hear it. Oh Finn! I love you too, you big lunk!"

Fin


End file.
